Thursday, May 24, 2007

He Made Me Smell My Own Gym Socks Once

Hey, long time no blog. Well, as stated in the previous posts, the book is at a standstill and my motivation to write has dwindled. But again, that's not fair to those of you who diligently come back day after day, week after week to catch a glimpse of what could possibly be the greatest thing ever written. And far be it for me to deny you fine folks that privilege. So onward and upward. Today I give you everyone's favorite, sadistic high school gym teacher.

Mr. Heyman
Former gym teacher at JFK High School that George believes he saw homeless on the steps of the New York Public Library “screaming obscenities and doing some sort of calisthenics routine.” When Jerry asks if he’s sure, George replies, “He’s older, completely covered in filth, no whistle. But I think it’s him.” Jerry informs Kramer that George got Heyman fired, “He squealed on him.” Kramer tells George, “You know, I never figured you for a squealer,” and Jerry says, “Oh, he sang like a canary.” George then worries that he turned Heyman into bum because he got him fired; Elaine asks what Heyman did, and George tells her, “He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying Costanza, he said ‘Can’t-stand-ya. Can’t-stand-ya.’” He asks Jerry, “Remember, he made me smell my own gym socks once?” Jerry says, “I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hanging down…” George reminds Jerry that he didn’t have Heyman for gym and Jerry explains, “I had him for hygiene. Remember his teeth? It was like from an exhumed corpse.” George adds, “Little baked beans.” Elaine then wants to know about the incident that lead to the firing, and George says, “Well, okay. As I said, the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym. Me.” After gym class, Heyman and “those spastic Schnitzer twins” confronted George in the locker room and told him his underwear was sticking out and George says it’s probably because he wears boxer shorts; when Heyman asks what brand, and George says he doesn’t know, Heyman says, “Let’s find out,” and the lackeys give George a wedgie while Heyman laughs; Jerry concludes the story, “And he got fired the next day.” George eventually goes back and discovers it really is him; he tells Jerry and Elaine, “He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus.” Jerry adds, “That was double overtime.” George continues, “I said, ‘Mr. Heyman…it’s me, George Costanza. JFK, ’71.’ He doesn’t move. So I said, ‘Can’t stand ya? Can’t stand ya?’ He turns and smiles. The little baked-bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. Here I was on the steps of the 42nd Street library, a grown man, getting a wedgie.” Elaine tells him, “At least it wasn’t atomic,” to which George replies, “It was,” and shows her his torn underwear waistband (22)

And with that, another post comes to end. As you may or may not know, there's a link on the right. Follow it, enter your name, and if this books ever goes to press, your name will appear. If it doesn't get published and I have to self publish, well at least I can email and inform you of where to find the book. Good deal? Sure, why not.


At 5:58 AM, Blogger robert yarn said...

Very informative and interesting post.It is really a big help. Thank you so much for sharing it with us..
open my own gym


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