Monday, April 30, 2007

The No-Smell, No-Tell Scotch

First off, let me apologize for the long absence. But for those of you who are frequent readers it should come as no surprise why I haven't been posting. After being denied the use of the rights to Seinfeld, I haven't felt much like blogging. But that's not fair to you, so I will try my best to continue, but it certainly won't be once a week anymore. Hey, them's the breaks. So now I present to you everyone's favorite fictional alcohol.

Hennigan’s Brand of Scotch Jerry’s uncle gave him a bottle of two years ago, Jerry quips, “I’ve been using it as a paint thinner.” Jerry gives Kramer a glass of it to test whether or not he smells after one drink; Elaine suspects the guy she’s seeing of drinking, but he doesn’t smell; Jerry and Elaine smell Kramer after he drinks, but don’t smell anything; Kramer comments, after another swig, “That is damn good Scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. ‘Mmm, boy, that Hennigan goes down smooth. And afterwards, you don’t even smell. That’s right, folks. I just had three shots of Hennigan’s, and I don’t smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That’s Hennigan’s, the no-smell, no-tell Scotch…Say you got a big job interview and you’re a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigan’s and you’ll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it’s odorless, why, it’ll be our little secret. H-E-double N-I…” Jerry cuts off Kramer before he finished the jingle; Jerry soon takes a shot of Hennigan’s, when Elaine asks him if he sees the red dot on her cashmere sweater; George bought the sweater because it was considerably marked down due to the dot, and Jerry knows this; the next day, George tells Jerry he had sex with a cleaning woman on his desk at Pendant Publishing due to Hennigan’s; when Jerry asks how it was, George replies, “The sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigan’s.” Jerry quips, “Good thing the cleaning lady was there.” (29)

  • When Jerry learns that Keith Hernandez made a date with Elaine for the same night Jerry had made plans with him, he gets upset, saying Elaine’s not even a fan, nor did she watch game six; she quickly gets defensive and asks, “You jealous of him or you jealous of me?” Jerry pauses for a moment and then says, “Any Hennigan’s around here?” (34)
  • Before coming up with a cockamamie story about how she and George damaged his car, Elaine asks Jerry if he has any Hennigan’s; she pours herself a large amount, but when Jerry isn’t looking, she throws it in the sink and pretends to have drank it all (38)
So there ya go, hopefully that will tide you over. Now the sign up link is still on the right, but it looks like it won't be to get your name in the book. But if I do plan to self publish I will alert everyone who has signed up that the book is out and available for purchase. Once again, thanks to everyone who has made this blog such a success.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I Was So Dizzy, I Was Seeing Red Dots Everywhere

Hello everyone, thanks for stopping by for yet another week. We here at The Seinfeld Encyclopedia Blog really do appreciate your visits. However, this blog might be coming to an end. Earlier this week I was denied the use of the rights to Seinfeld. I have taken the necessary steps to overcome this, but it's going to be difficult. While there is a glimmer of hope, it is very faint. I shall keep you all updated to the progress, but if my book idea is finished, so too is this blog. I apologize for leading with such a depressing statement, but you come to this site not to be lied to, but to be given the straight dope. Well, actually you come here to see samples from my book, so let's get to it. In honor of the Red Sox, (continuing with the baseball theme), here are some red entries:

Color of Newman’s car (42)

Red Chinese Prison After Jerry gets caught urinating by the parking garage security guard, he tries to get out of it by saying that it’s his parents 47th anniversary and they made plans to spend the evening together; he adds, “What I haven’t told you, or anyone else, for that matter, is that my father’s been in a Red Chinese prison for the past 14 years.” (23)

Red Dot While shopping for a gift for Elaine, George is shown a cashmere sweater that is marked down from 600 dollars to 85; when he asks a saleswoman why it’s been marked down, she shows him a minuscule red dot; Jerry thinks it’s damaged, but George thinks it’ll be alright; he asks Jerry if Elaine would care about the dot and he replies, “It’s hard to say.” George says, “I don’t even think she’d noticed it. Can you see it?” Jerry tells him, “Well, I can see it,” and George responds, “Yeah, but you know where it is.” Jerry then asks, “Well, what do you want me to do? Not look at it?” George tells him to pretend he doesn’t know it’s there and Jerry replies, “It’s hard for me to pretend because I know where it is.” George exclaims, “Well, just you take an overview. Can’t you take an overview?” Jerry responds, “You want me to take an overview? I see a cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That’s my overview.” George gives her the sweater, which she loves, but Kramer, from across the room, notices the red dot; she soon becomes suspicious, and asks Jerry, “Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper?” He hesitates, and she knows right away; when George arrives at the apartment, Jerry warns him, “She’s wise to the whole red dot thing. She’s asking me all kinds of questions about it.” He asks if Jerry said anything, and Jerry assures him no; but Elaine eventually tricks him into admitting it and George tells her, “I had a 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy, I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. I couldn’t distinguish one red dot from the other.” George takes the sweater and gives it to Evie, the cleaning woman at Pendant Publishing that he had sex with on his desk; she was threatening to tell Mr. Lippman, but agrees not to say anything once she receives the sweater; she tries it on and immediately notices the red dot; Evie then tells Lippman and George is fired (29)

Red Lights While riding in the back of a Los Angeles police car, Jerry asks the two cops, “You guys gonna be going through some red lights?” One of the cops says, “I don’t think so,” and Jerry asks, “But you could.” The same cop says, “Oh, yeah. Of course we could. We could do anything we want.” The other cop chimes in, “We can drive on the wrong side of the road,” and the first cop adds, “We do that all the time. You should see the looks on the people’s faces.” (41)

Red Shirt Article of clothing George wore three years ago when he went to see his date Leslie’s performance piece in Brooklyn; during the show, which involved Leslie cooking onstage for God, she threw a can of chocolate sauce all over the shirt; Jerry asks what happened to the shirt and George responds, “I still have it. The collar’s okay. I wear it under sweaters.” George wears this when he picks up Jerry after his plane has to make an emergency landing, and he really wants to go back to Jerry’s apartment where Leslie is having her baby shower; Jerry asks, “What are you gonna do, badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?” George tells him, “No, I’m gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years and I’m gonna say, ‘Remember this shirt, baby? Well, now, it’s payback time!’” Despite this, George grovels before Leslie, and when she is pushed by a woman, Leslie smashes her cake into George’s shirt (15)

And so we close the book on yet another week. By all means, keep following the link on the right and sign up to get your name in the book. This still could happen, just gotta keep trying. At the very least, I can always self-publish and I will notify those who have signed up where to get it.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

M-E-T-S! Mets, Mets, Mets

Happy April, fellow Seinfeld enthusiasts. Spring has arrived and so has another season of baseball. Fantastic feeling, isn't it? Our nights have meaning again. No longer are we forced to fill our time with hockey and basketball. We are free to sit back and watch 9 guys hit a little white ball with a wooden stick. Sounds like awesome to me. Speaking of awesome, how about another look into my book? Seems appropriate, given that sneak peaks are the premise of my entire blog. So in the spirit of the new baseball season, I thought I would sample a little from Jerry's favorite team, those amazin' Mets.

The New York Mets Local baseball team that is often discussed; Jerry tapes a game and avoids human contact all night to watch it at 1 o’clock in the morning; Kramer then ruins Jerry’s night by saying, “Boy, the Mets really blew it tonight!” He also tells Jerry that he almost wound up going to that game, but Jerry reminds him that he hasn’t been out of the building in ten years (1)

  • Jerry falls asleep on the subway and wakes up to find the fat man sitting across from him is now naked; the two start talking and eventually the conversation turns to the Mets; the man tells Jerry, “They still have no pitching. Gooden’s a question mark. You don’t recover from those rotator cuffs so fast.” Jerry tells him, “I’m not worried about the Mets’ pitching. They got pitching. They got no hitting.” The man replies, “No hitting? They got hitting. Bonilla, Murray. They got no defense.” Jerry responds, “Defense, please. They need speed.” The man says, “Speed? They’ve got Coleman. They need a bullpen.” Jerry replies, “Franco’s no good? They got no team leaders.” The man tells him, “They got Franco. What they need is a front office.” Jerry then says, “But you gotta like their chances,” and the man responds, “I love their chances.” Jerry says, “I tell ya what, if they win the pennant this year, I’ll sit naked with you at the World Series.” The man responds, “It’s a deal.” (30)
  • Before helping Jerry sneak into Kramer’s apartment, George quickly asks, “How’d the Mets do?” and Jerry tells him, “They lost.” (39)
Now I know a lot of you might be questioning why I didn't choose to highlight the Yankees, seeing as how George worked for them for three seasons. Well, be patient, the time will come. I mean, you should be used to waiting by now, right? 6 years without a World Series championship. This should be a cakewalk. And with that, I take my leave and get ready for the onslaught of angry emails I will surely get from Bronx fans. Spellcheck is really gonna be put to the test. (Okay, yeah that one was uncalled for.) See ya!