Once More, From the Top

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of Arizona or something, I have returned! Unfortunately, unlike most returns, I am not bigger nor better. Nevertheless, I shall press on.

In November 2006, I launched this blog. Now fourteen months later, I am relaunching. However, I now face the almost certainty that this book will never be in stores. Despite my best efforts, I was not granted the rights to the show and no agent will take this book on without the rights. It's a helluva thing to get sued.

So we turn to plan B. Complete the book and then self-publish as The Unofficial Seinfeld Encyclopedia and only let a few people have the opportunity to buy it. Who are these few people you ask? Why, you, of course.

Since the beginning of this blog, I have had you click the link on the right to get your name in the book. When filling out your name, you also can fill in your email address. Well, that is how you will be notified when this book. And for those of you who are still confused as to this whole "name in the book" scenario, let me explain.

When I started shopping the book idea around, a problem I ran into a lot was the fact that I am an unknown. How do you become known these days? Blog. So I created this blog and advertised in some Seinfeld groups on Facebook. Eventually, I thought, I would have enough hits and interest to satisfy the agents. I did, but then came the rights issue.

So the link is still there. You simply click the link, fill out your information and hit enter or submit. Whichever button it may be. Your name will appear in a special thank you section at the end of the book. Impress all your friends.

Moving on, for those of you newcomers or those of you who need a reminder, here's what the book is all about.

It's an encyclopedia of essentially everything said on the show during the nine seasons. People, places, phrases, foods, historical figures, numbers, etc. The book is categorized just like an encyclopedia with A to Z "chapters." There's also a "chapter" for numbers before A. I do not analyze the show nor offer any critical thinking of any kind. It's just a huge guide to the show. For instance, you want to know what Mulva's real name is. Well, you look in M, under Mulva and you will find the answer. It's Dolores by the way. You should have known that.

Now, when I say a huge guide to the show, I mean a huge guide. I am a little under halfway done and I printed my progress. I'm up to 467 pages. So when all is said and done, I may have to split the book into two volumes. #-L, M-Z, for instance. We'll see.

So that's all for now. Thanks for sticking around, even when the blog was in that long hiatus. Most of that was laziness, but some of the absence was to show solidarity with the Writers Guild. But we're back on track and next week there will be another sneak preview of the book. So be sure to come back. Same blog time, same blog channel.

Up here, I'm Already Gone

Whoa, it's like a ghost town in here. Can almost hear the tumbleweeds rolling by. Readership is down as well as sign-ups, so I do apologize. Why should any one visit when I haven't posted in almost a month. But you see, I've been quite busy as I am gearing up to travel across the country to start an internship in Los Angeles. Yes, must like Kramer, I am leaving the East Coast with stars in my eyes. So in honor of that, today's sneak peeks will all revolve around those episodes.

Los Angeles City in California, AKA L.A., the coast, La-la land; Kramer develops the acting bug and heads to L.A. where he appears on an episode of Murphy Brown (39)

• Jerry is given two plane tickets by the Tonight Show to fly to L.A., so he takes George with him and they try to track down Kramer (40)

• Once they find Kramer, Jerry and George asks Kramer what he is going to do now, after being falsely accused of being a serial killer; Kramer replies, “Do? Do? Hey, I’m doing what I do. You know, I’ve always done what I do. I’m doing what I do. The way I’ve always done it, and the way I’ll always do it.” George then asks, “Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?” Kramer states, “Well, what do you want me to say? That things haven’t worked out the way that I’ve planned? That I’m struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A.’s a cold place even in the middle of summer? That it’s a lonely place even when you’re stuck in traffic on the Hollywood freeway? That I’m no better than the screenwriter driving a cab, the starlet turning tricks, the producer in a house he can’t afford? Is that what you want me to say?” George quips, “Yeah, I’d like to hear that.” Jerry agrees; Kramer tells them, “Well, I’m not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl.” Jerry reminds him, “Kramer, she was murdered.” Kramer replies, “Yeah, well, you know, I wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship. I was on TV.” George reminds him, “As a suspect in a serial killing.” Kramer replies, “Okay, yeah, all right. You guys gotta put a negative spin on everything.” Jerry and George say goodbye and a few days later, while in Jerry’s apartment, they watch as Kramer enters, takes some food and goes back to his apartment (41)

• After hearing Jerry say, “You know, I do kind of wonder what fake breasts feel like,” Kramer replies, “Well, I know what they feel like.” Jerry asks, “You? How do you know?” and Kramer explains, “Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months.” Elaine then asks, “I thought you hated Los Angeles,” and Kramer says, “No, I do. Just miss the warm weather, you know? Jeez. Oh, man. I wish I could get away.” Jerry quips, “Real busy now, down at the office?” Bewildered, Kramer replies, “No. Huh?” (57)

California State where Albert Pepper’s daughter, Wanda, lives (26)

• Kramer informs George that he has got the acting bug and that he is going to California; George can’t believe it and asks, “You’re not really going to California, are you?” and Kramer, pointing to his head, replies, “Up here, I’m already gone.” He does leave and goes cross-country by hippie van, motorcycle and 18-wheeler (39)

• While in California, Kramer stays at the Las Palmas Hotel in Los Angeles and pursues his acting career; however, eventually he is mistaken for the Smog Strangler, a serial killer, and is arrested and placed in jail; when Jerry and George come to visit, Kramer says he is staying, but a few days later, he unexpectedly shows up back in New York (40, 41)

• When Elaine arrives back from her European vacation, she says to Kramer, “I thought you were in California.” He replies, “Well, I came back for you,” and she playfully shoves him and says, “Oh, shut up.” (43)

Well, that's all for now. Again, I apologize for the long absence but I do appreciate everyone who kept visiting in the hopes that I would get my act together and post something. As always, be sure to click the link on the right to sign-up and get your name in the book. Okay, time to hit the road. See ya!

Why's My Book Great? Lemme List the Ways

No time for pleasantries, this is gonna be a long entry. Here we go. One of the things that my book will feature is a section entitled Entries Listed by Episode. Essentially, you can turn to this section, look up an episode, say, The Junior Mint, and see every entry from that specific show, rather than flip through the entire book. Allow me to demonstrate. But in doing so, I will also compare my book with the 1993 Entertainment Weekly book: The Seinfeld Companion. My long term readers will remember when I compared entries of my book with the same entries from the EW book. And you will also remember that I never mean to knock that book, I like it, I own two copies. I just like showing how much better my book will be. I mean, that EW book doesn't even have a listed by episode section. I gotta go through and find each one myself. Hope you appreciate all of this. Up first, the EW book's entries from the classic episode The Chinese Restaurant.

• Bermuda Triangle
• Cartwright
• Cookies
• Mahatma Gandhi
• Impending Intestinal Requirement
• Plan 9 From Outer Space
• We're Living in a Society!

That's it! And now, my list:

• 5, 10 Minutes
• $20
• $50
• Bathroom
• Batman
• Bermuda Triangle
• Bribe
• Bruce
• Cab
• Cartwright
• Lorraine Catalano
• Chinese Food
• Mr. Cohen
• Cookies
• Cops
• Dennison
• Fast
• Mahatma Gandhi
• Garbagemen
• Hot Dogs
• Hunan 5^th Ave
• Kekich
• Lashbrook
• Menu
• Money
• Phone
• Plan 9 from Outer Space
• Popcorn
• Restaurant
• Skyburger
• Table
• Tatiana
• We’re Living in a Society
• Whole Sea Bass Dinner

Now some of you more diligent readers may be shouting, "Hey, the EW book listed 'Impeding Intestinal Requirement' and you didn't. What gives?" While this is true, this bit of dialogue from George is indeed included but under the entry for Bathroom. So there we have it. But you folks don't visit this site just for lists. How bout a sneak peek! Well, I mentioned Junior Mints earlier, so here you go.

Junior Mints Kramer is invited to watch Roy Cordic’s splenectomy surgery from a viewing gallery and convinces Jerry to join him; while watching, Kramer takes out a box of candy and eats a few; noticing this, Jerry asks, “What are you eating?” and Kramer explains, “Junior Mints. You want one?” Jerry says no; Kramer then eats a few more and Jerry inquires, “Where’d you get those?” Kramer tells him, “The machine. You want one?” Again, Jerry says no, but Kramer says, “Here. Take one.” Jerry asserts, “I don’t want one,” and Kramer states, “No, they’re good. Take one.” Jerry replies, “I don’t want any,” and Kramer insists, “Just take one.” Annoyed, Jerry exclaims, “No. Stop. Kramer, stop it.” He shoves Kramer’s hand out of his face which causes the Junior Mint to fly up into the air and fall into the operating area; all the doctors look around to see what just happened; Jerry and Kramer quickly look around as well to see if anyone noticed; Jerry silently asks, “Did it go in?” and Kramer says, with a gulp, “Yes.” Later, Jerry tells the story to George, explaining, “Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing, into the patient!” George asks, “What do you mean, ‘into the patient’?” Jerry exclaims, “Into the patient, literally!” George inquires, “Into the hole?” and Jerry confirms, “Yes! The hole!” George wonders, “Didn’t they notice it?” and Jerry says no; George says, “How could they not notice it?” and Jerry quips, “Because it’s a little mint. It’s a Junior Mint.” George then asks, “Well, what did they do?” and Jerry replies, “They sealed him up with the mint inside.” George questions, “They left the Junior Mint in him? …Well, I guess it can’t hurt him. People eat pounds of those things.” Jerry stipulates, “Yes, they eat them. They don’t put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!” Kramer then enters and Jerry tells him, “Why’d you force that mint on me? I told you I didn’t want the mint!” Kramer explains, “What? I didn’t believe you,” and Jerry asks, “How could you not believe me?” Kramer states, “Well, who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint. It’s delicious.” Jerry comments, “That’s true.” Kramer adds, “It’s very refreshing.” Elaine then returns from the hospital and reports, “He’s not doing well. The doctors don’t know what it is. They’re baffled.” Kramer and Jerry turn to each other and state at the same time, “Oh, my God.” When Elaine leaves the room, Jerry frantically tells Kramer, “What are we gonna do? We gotta confess?” Kramer tells him, “We could be tried for murder,” and Jerry replies, “I can’t have this on my conscience.” Kramer states, “You’re not gonna say anything, you got that?” and Jerry says, “I’m telling and you can’t stop me.” Kramer exclaims, “No, you’re not!” Later, Jerry’s girlfriend comes over and he tries to figure out her name by looking in her purse; when she catches him, he explains he was just looking for some gum or a mint; when she tells him, “Oh, I have Junior Mints,” a startled Jerry throws the purse to her, shouting, “No!” Eventually, the guilt gets to Jerry and he decides to call the hospital to explain what happened; but when he does, he is told that Roy is gonna be okay; the gang visits Roy and soon Dr. Siegel comes in and says, “I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps…from above.” Kramer then pulls out a box of Junior Mints from his pocket and offers, “Mint?” Dr. Siegel accepts, saying, “Those can be very refreshing.” (58)

Finally, we have reached the end. But before I go, let me remind everyone to click the link on the right and get your name in the book. But more important, if and when I self publish, I will only be telling the people who have signed up where to find the book. So get a'clickin'. Later!

4,000 Hits? I'm Way Past Due for an Oil Change

Gracious, over 4000 visits. A real red letter day. Certainly deserving of an entry, wouldn't you say? Me too. It's a quick one, but quite fitting.

$4,000 How much Jerry estimates it will cost George for minor surgery and an overnight stay at the hospital; when George hears it will only cost $38 to go to holistic healer Tor Eckman he says, “Oh yeah. Holistic. That’s what I need. That’s the answer.” (13)

• After George passes on a $13,000 offer from NBC, he has to scramble to fix his mistake and ends up settling for an $8,000 deal; this means Jerry and George only get $4,000 each; later, when Jerry gives his father a wallet as a gift, to replace the one he lost, everyone fawns over Jerry and how terrific he is; even George says, “You’re very special,” and Jerry quips back, “Yeah, I’m good for about $4,000.” (44)

I thought I should also inform you all of my progress. At the moment, I am 1/3 of the way finished of chronicling all the episodes. My goal is to be finished and have the book available by Christmas 2008. Now this is the plan if I have to self publish. However, if I my last attempt at getting the rights is accepted, then who knows. But come hell or high water, this book will be available some how, some way. And if I do self publish, it will only be available to people who have signed up, so do that now! The link is on the right.

Oh, and if you ever need to resign up because your email has changed, I mean, December 08 is a long time away, that will be no problem. Just say in the comment space: New Email. Okay, that's all for now. Take it easy.

Get Your Oohs and Aahs Ready

July is here and summer is well under way. We also got the most patriotic holiday of the year coming up, the fourth of July. Sorry Flag Day, Labor Day and Veteran's Day. Try a little harder next year. Because of this occasion, I have decided to do something a little special for this blog post. I will showcasing a couple of entries from episodes I have not completed yet. Usually, I just go into one of my word files and pluck out an entry and paste it on here. Not tonight. It's all fresh and relatively live. Hopefully you get to read this before heading off to your cabin or family lake that you no doubtably have. Remember, fireworks kill. No wait, I think I have that wrong. I think it's actually "Remember, fireworks are awesome and make you cool." On with the fun!!!

Fireworks When Kramer hears that Jerry is going to pick up Elaine at the airport, he incredulously asks, "What, she's been away?" Jerry explains, "She's been in Mexico for six weeks," and Kramer replies, "No, I really think you're wrong. We just went to the fireworks the other day." Jerry tells him, "That was July 4th!" (127)

• Realizing she has the same tastes in movies as Vincent, a clerk at Champagne Videos, Elaine becomes infatuated with him; when he calls her, she wants to meet with him, but he declines, saying, "I can't bear to have anyone see me." She talks him into it and he agrees , but asks that she bring him some things from the store; when she arrives, Elaine runs into Vincent's mother and discovers that Vincent is really a teenager; the mother grabs the bag Elaine is holding and angrily asks, "What do you have there? Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks? What kind of a sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old?" (139)
• After obtaining Frank Costanza's old screen door and installing it in his apartment, Kramer adopts a relaxed, country lifestyle; while passing by, Jerry asks, "You barbecuing tonight?" and Kramer informs him, "Right after the fireworks." Soon, when Jerry opens his door, he spots Kramer sitting in a lawn chair holding a lit sparkler (151)

Independence Day When George learns that Kramer's coffee table book has been optioned for a movie, he asks, "How are they gonna make that book into a movie?" Kramer says, "You remember that photo book on toy ray guns?...Independence Day." (163)

So there we have it! Two brand new holiday themed entries available only on The Seinfeld Encyclopedia Blog. I hope you all have a wonderful fourth of July with your friends and family. Thanks again for stopping by and as always, be sure to click the link on the right to get your name in the book. We've already had over 200 sign-ups which is absolutely incredible. Don't you want to be part of the fun? That's right, you do. Later!

You Ever Try To Sleep in a Really Hot Room?

June greetings, dear readers. It's almost officially summer, so let's celebrate with another sneak peak at an entry from my book. But first, as many of you diehards know, the Seinfeld season 8 DVD came out this week and I picked it up for the incredible price of $29.99. What's special about this season is that this is when they stopped having Jerry's standup at the beginning of the episodes in lieu of non-sequitur jokes and bits. However, since these had nothing to do with the main plot of the episode, they were often cut to save time for syndication. So when I got my DVD set, I quickly watched the beginning of each episode, and for the first time in 9 years, I saw new Seinfeld material. Let me tell you, it was fantastic. So rush out and buy this set if you haven't already, but I know you all have. Now, without further ado, let us get to the entry, which I feel is quite appropriate for this time of year.

Air Conditioner Convenience Isaac says he’ll have to get for his move to Phoenix; Elaine trying to get his apartment says, “You can have mine. I’ll ship it out to you.” (7)

• Upon arriving in Florida, Jerry realizes how hot it is and asks his mother why she doesn’t put on the air conditioner; Helen quickly replies, “You don’t need the air conditioner.” That night while sweating in bed Elaine asks how Jerry’s parents cannot put the air conditioning on, Jerry says, “They’re nuts with temperature.” In the morning, Elaine, who is still sweating, asks once again for the a/c, but neither Helen nor Morty is sure on how to work it; they turn it on, and while Elaine is happy, Helen wraps herself up tightly in a sweater; (20)

• Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer take a drive to a mall in New Jersey to try and find cheap air conditioners; there’s only one left and Kramer buys it, causing George and Elaine to walk away empty handed; when Kramer offers his to George, he replies, “No, that’s not enough BTUs for my living room.” When they can’t find the car, Kramer decides to leave the air conditioner in section Purple 23 so he won’t have to lug it while he looks, yet he has a hell of a time finding it again (23)

• After Newman gets a speeding ticket, he tries to get out of it by saying he was rushing home to stop a friend from committing suicide; Newman gets Kramer to be that friend, “All we need is a reason why you were gonna commit suicide.” Kramer thinks and says, “I never had an air conditioner.” Newman tells him, “No. That’s no reason to kill yourself,” and Kramer replies, “Why? It gets hot at night. You can’t sleep. You ever try to sleep in a really hot room?” Newman says, “Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don’t wanna kill myself,” and Kramer replies, “Well, I’ve slept in really hot rooms, and I wanted to kill myself.” (42)

• Kramer gets one for Jerry at 30 % off from his friend who works in an appliance store; Jerry wanted one because his girlfriend Amy is too hot in his apartment (64)

Well, that's it for this entry. Just a reminder, there's a link on the right. Follow it, enter your name, and if this books ever goes to press, your name will appear. If it doesn't get published and I have to self publish, well at least I can email and inform you of where to find the book. Alright, keep it real.

He Made Me Smell My Own Gym Socks Once

Hey, long time no blog. Well, as stated in the previous posts, the book is at a standstill and my motivation to write has dwindled. But again, that's not fair to those of you who diligently come back day after day, week after week to catch a glimpse of what could possibly be the greatest thing ever written. And far be it for me to deny you fine folks that privilege. So onward and upward. Today I give you everyone's favorite, sadistic high school gym teacher.

Mr. Heyman Former gym teacher at JFK High School that George believes he saw homeless on the steps of the New York Public Library “screaming obscenities and doing some sort of calisthenics routine.” When Jerry asks if he’s sure, George replies, “He’s older, completely covered in filth, no whistle. But I think it’s him.” Jerry informs Kramer that George got Heyman fired, “He squealed on him.” Kramer tells George, “You know, I never figured you for a squealer,” and Jerry says, “Oh, he sang like a canary.” George then worries that he turned Heyman into bum because he got him fired; Elaine asks what Heyman did, and George tells her, “He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying Costanza, he said ‘Can’t-stand-ya. Can’t-stand-ya.’” He asks Jerry, “Remember, he made me smell my own gym socks once?” Jerry says, “I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hanging down…” George reminds Jerry that he didn’t have Heyman for gym and Jerry explains, “I had him for hygiene. Remember his teeth? It was like from an exhumed corpse.” George adds, “Little baked beans.” Elaine then wants to know about the incident that lead to the firing, and George says, “Well, okay. As I said, the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym. Me.” After gym class, Heyman and “those spastic Schnitzer twins” confronted George in the locker room and told him his underwear was sticking out and George says it’s probably because he wears boxer shorts; when Heyman asks what brand, and George says he doesn’t know, Heyman says, “Let’s find out,” and the lackeys give George a wedgie while Heyman laughs; Jerry concludes the story, “And he got fired the next day.” George eventually goes back and discovers it really is him; he tells Jerry and Elaine, “He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus.” Jerry adds, “That was double overtime.” George continues, “I said, ‘Mr. Heyman…it’s me, George Costanza. JFK, ’71.’ He doesn’t move. So I said, ‘Can’t stand ya? Can’t stand ya?’ He turns and smiles. The little baked-bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. Here I was on the steps of the 42^nd Street library, a grown man, getting a wedgie.” Elaine tells him, “At least it wasn’t atomic,” to which George replies, “It was,” and shows her his torn underwear waistband (22)

And with that, another post comes to end. As you may or may not know, there's a link on the right. Follow it, enter your name, and if this books ever goes to press, your name will appear. If it doesn't get published and I have to self publish, well at least I can email and inform you of where to find the book. Good deal? Sure, why not.